Which brings me to something I've mulled over for the past 10 or so years.
Are adoptive parents held to a higher standard than parents who gave birth to their children? Do adoptive parents feel the pressure to be perfect parents, or at least better parents than the child's birthparents could have been, even though there is no way to verify this idea? If a child has been abused by an adoptive parent, the media is quick to point out that they were adopted. They don't do that when the child was not adopted.
From the beginning of the adoption process, we are interviewed, have our backgrounds checked, our tax records checked, our bank accounts checked, we need references, we are required to go to parenting classes, classes on the psychology of the adopted child, child safety classes, etc. All things that are not required of a parent who gives birth. Already, more is required of adoptive parents than biological parents to prove they are capable of parenting. I'm not saying we shouldn't have these requirements, we should. But right from the start it does create an anxiety in adoptive parents that we need to be perfect.
Children adopted internationally are significantly less likely to find their birthfamily. It happens occasionally, but not very often. And it is a significant loss to the child. Children adopted domestically have a higher chance of finding their birthparents and in open adoptions, it's practically guaranteed that the child will know his or her birthparents. And well they should, it is their history. I get annoyed with people who have no background in adoption who tell a child they should be grateful that they were adopted and not go looking for their biological parents. If it were them, they'd want to know!
So now, adoptive parents might take on the anxiety of knowing that their child who meets their birthparents will compare the family they grew up with to the family that could have been. Will their birthparents be given a report card about how well we did after 18 years of raising this child?
- What if their birthparents are extremely successful now and we are...not?
- What if the birthparents went on to have other children who are happy and well-adjusted? Could they have been good parents to the child they placed with another family?
- Did the biological parents ever get irritated with their other children or were they model parents?
My head tells me that chances are, if they did parent the child they placed, they would not be successful because statistically, it is extremely difficult under the best of circumstances. This applies more specifically to teen parents. And I have a great deal of research to back that up. Anyone who has been watching the Dr. Phil family with a young woman, now 21 who was pregnant at 15 and decided against adoption can see what the outcome has been. And she had a great deal of help from a nationally known psychologist and life coach (Dr. Phil) and her family. Unfortunately, her situation is the norm rather than the exception.
My father died when I was 8. My mother never remarried. I think there were two reasons for this:
- My mother didn't particularly like being married and they were planning a divorce when he got sick.
- My mother knew that she could remarry the nicest man in the world, but he could not compete with the perception young girls create about their perfect daddy who died. My father had his faults, which I can see now. As a pre-teen, however, he was my daddy and he was perfect.
Is this the same for adoptive parents? Are we competing with a perception of what the birthparents might have been? Are our internationally adopted children wondering if their birthparents are perfect parents and they are stuck with us? Are adoptive parents holding ourselves to a higher standard because of this? Are we allowing ourselves to be human and have faults or are we telling ourselves we must be perfect parents and prove ourselves worthy of parenting?
There are those who may say that we are already better parents because we didn't give them up for adoption. I don't agree. It takes a great deal of love to carry a baby to term when there are other legal options, and place that living child in the arms of someone else when you know you are not capable of being a parent at that time of your life.
So for all you adoptive parents out there, what is your take on this? I'm curious.
7 comments:
I agree with your final statement that it takes a great deal of love to make an adoption plan. Birthparents ma be stigmatized and misunderstood at times and that knowledge makes my heart hurt because of all people, they must hurt in a huge way, yet they choose adoption for their child because they believe it is the BEST choice for the child.
As to the higher standard for adoptive parents, I don't know. I don't think of myself as an adoptive parent, I am a parents. The fact that we adopted our daughter is irrelevant to my parenting at this stage in her life. She's 2. I'm her mommy. Because she is of our ethnicity and looks like my husband, strangers and new acquaintances have no idea that we adopted her unless they are told. I know things will change after we bring our next child home from Africa, but I think it's important not to let the expectations of OTHERS, become my expectations for myself. I need to live as God leads me and can't allow misplaced shame to cause me to feel guilty or subpar. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. I feel overwhelmed at time and I will be the first to admit that.
I just listened to a talk by Russell Moore yesterday that he gave at the Together 4 Adoption conference this fall. it was so good. It is encouraging to me because it gives a big picture view. http://www.togetherforadoption.org/T4A%2009%20Audio/Russell%20Moore.mp3
Well Teresa, you've provided all of us a lot of food for thought. From time to time, I consider most of the points you have brought up, but it doesn't stay long on my mind. I suspect (I don't know) that generally speaking, adoptive parents are wealthier and more nurturing than non-adoptive parents. I only say this because of the extremes they have to go through to become parents and the screening that they have to experience. As with any process, some bad apples are in the mix. I came to the realization that even a normal well-adjusted parent could be capable of making a grave mistake in a moment of desperation. Those first few months home with my first daughter were trying. Fortunately, I did not do anything I would regret (although I do wish I had done some things differently), but I certainly could have and knowing that really scared me more than anything. To think that I might have been capable of causing great harm is not anything I would want to even acknowledge.
I think the toughest part of adoption for me, (and this could have happened with bio kids too), is that I feel like the perfect mom to one child and a failure to the other. I love them both dearly, but I feel like I am not trying hard enough with one. Her behavior often annoys me and she clearly favors her dad over me. She will taunt me and disobey me just because she wants to. I had a similar relationship with my mother and I hate repeating history. At least this time around, I am not afraid to apologize to her when I think I have been wrong or unfair and I do tell her that I love her all the time. Those are two things my mother NEVER would have done when I was growing up.
I don't know if I wandered off subject, but I try not to dwell on any particular problem. Each day is a new start and even my problem daughter knows that is our working philosophy. I do worry (I am certain) that at some point she will feel cheated and that her birthmother would have done a better job raising her than I. But I also think that when she is all grown up, she will realize otherwise.
A very loaded subject.
I do believe we adoptive parents hold ourselves to a higher standard. Perhaps we feel we are being watched (well, actually we are)and judged on our parenting "performance". Particularly when the ethnic difference is obvious - it draws attention to the adoption factor and therefore is easier to be watched.
And maybe we somehow feel the birth parents are watching. I'll re-phrase that - the tie that our children have to their birth families reminds us that we have a deep responsibility to take good care of them.
I do think that as a whole, adoptive parents make better parents. Adoption is not for the faint of heart. It's tough and we've invested too much (not talking money here)to be non-chalant or to take it for granted. My experience has been that we are perhaps more grateful for this parenting experience and therefore put more effort into it.
Looking forward to hearing what others have to say. Thanks for starting this discussion. I've got to run - I'm taking a workshop on how to unleash my child's potential in school. Oh yah!
Very simplistically speaking, yes. We adoptive parents are held to a higher standard - by the ageencies involved, the social workers, our family & friends, other biological parents, other adoptive parents & yes, our children.
We go through so much just to become a parent. The process is so invasive that if you aren't prepared to have someone basically watch your every move, you may eventually give up. I know people who have given up on the process.
No one questions us when we decide to have a biological child. Adopt a child & it's a whole other story. People you don't know offer opinions. I was known to inform these strangers that my reasons are personal & not their business.
The adoptive child? Wow! There's a whole list of issues in this one. I have friends whose children have already told them that their "real" parents would be much better. Then there are the children who dream about every aspect of their adoption - the whys along with all of the other questions & emotions that go along with it.
My friend Dawn puts it well: Adoption is not for the faint of heart.
Like Lori Lynn, I've pondered a few of these things from time to time. The thing that does seem to jump out at me though and always raises my hackles is the same thing you pointed out about any time there is a problem the media is quick to point out if it's an adoption. I never have understood that.
For some of the other things though, such as the "higher standard" I really do not give that as much thought but that's probably because I have a mixture of stepchildren, biological children as well as adopted children. I started off with stepchildren who lived with us when we first got married and then we had Ryan. Because of mistakes I felt like we made with Brian's boys, and also because I didn't know much (well anything really) about babies, so I read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on about child care, parenting, discipline - on and on. I took classes at the hospital and not just birth classes either. I just wanted to know as much as I could. Which is funny because I vividly remember Brian asking me one night how I could read so many books about having a child.
All that to say, I approached adoption with the same thirst for knowledge which was completely irrelevant of all the agency and homestudy requirements. In defense of other other birthparents, I think there are way more who read like I did than maybe they are given credit for. But that's just my thoughts!
I will have to say though that I am more sensitive to how I parent the girls, especially in a public setting. Somewhere in the ol' brain is a conception that I'm expected to be a better parent for them than I was for Brian's boys or for Ryan either one. Which is probably just me!
Thanks for such a thought provoking post Teresa!
In a word - YES! But I don't know if that is self induced or if it is a social thing.
Let me start out by saying my girls are adopted from China. They do not look anything like me.
I don't see people approaching parents who look like their kids to give them their opinions or advice. But by golly I have been stopped in the middle of the store and gotten an ear full from people when I am doing nothing more than telling my children not to pull things off the shelves! Other times people have felt they have the right to tell me how to hold the bottle, how to swaddle, how to discipline, how to teach manners, etc.
I think I hold myself to a higher standard because my opportunity to parent these children is a honor, not "just" a biological obligation. These children were entrusted to me not only by God, but by another country. (No, I am not saying that the adoption was part of His plan for our chidren - but that when the situation in this fallen world created a need and DH and I said yes, He gave us these children)
I also think that as adoptive parents we have been conditioned by the process that someone is always going to be looking over our shoulder. That we have to "live up to" a standard. I know that during this economy, when my DH lost his job and we were in danger of losing our house, I had the irrational fear that someone was going to come along and take the girls away from us and say that we were not fit to parent them.
I feel that we are held to an extreme higher standard, but I would go even further to say it is the State in which we live that holds us to standards that are sometimes outrageous. In Michigan I would never recommend adoption unless you go to Korea or some form of International other than places where fetal alcohol is prevalent like Russia.
We just took our adopted daughter to a brand new doctor and were wondering if she knew of a therapist because of some background problems that were re-emerging. Immediately we were turned over to Protective Services. I highly doubt that a biological child with problems would have ever gone through this. Our therapist as well said the same thing, she said it was obvious and necessary to know the children were adopted, but without the doctor knowing the total past history, she made a snap judgement.
I suggest as many of you as possible sign our petition to shut down protective services as we know it and sign our petition at change.org. You may also use it for your own state if interested and reword as necessary. Families need to be able to parent without the gestapo stepping in.
I'm not sure how other states are, but Michigan is the worst. Their advertising is foster parents, adoptive parents needed, no need to be perfect, come as you are. They forgot to tell people then when any problems arise with these children, we will come after the adoptive parent. They forgot who damaged the children to begin with. Very sad situation and no matter what we love our kids and will stick it out. Our concern is that the nature of the beast could damage our reputation that we've built our entire lifetime in a matter of minutes by the children's behavior around others.
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